First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
