Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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