What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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