i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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