What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
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Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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