She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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