Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
