I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
