this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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