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I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
how does that bad decision feel?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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