community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
