never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
