I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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