The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
