i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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