singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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