he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
