I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
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She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
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Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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