i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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