FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
