so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
