If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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