I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
