I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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