You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
