EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
