Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
