i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
