I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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