I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
