remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
