I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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