meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
