Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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