In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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