This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.