So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
