guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
