I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
