On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
