My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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