hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
