Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
