there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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