Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
