There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
