You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
