I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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