Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
