Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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