My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
