I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
