We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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