it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
