i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
