ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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