just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
